What happens in the brain when we grieve?
Grief—a deeply rooted, painful emotion that strikes when we lose a loved one. It is one of the most complex and prolonged emotional experiences we go through as humans. But what actually happens in the brain when we grieve? How does our body process the loss of a loved one? What changes occur in brain structure? And why does this pain feel so intense? In this article, we will delve deeper into the mechanisms behind the grieving process and explain how the brain copes with loss and pain.
Neural changes through bonding: How grief restructures the brain
Our brain doesn’t just process information around the clock—it is constantly reshaping itself based on our experiences and relationships. The bonds we form in life leave a lasting imprint on our brain. Particularly deep connections, such as those with a loved one, even alter our brain on an epigenetic level.
This process creates neural networks that are closely linked to the emotions and memories associated with that person. When that person is suddenly gone, many of these neural connections are left “hanging.”
In simple terms, it’s as if the brain has been shaken up. The neural pathways formed through experiences and memories are disrupted and must gradually reorganize. This process happens most effectively through the formation of new memories.
The conflict between memory and reality: the limbic system and the pain of incomprehensibility
A key player in the grieving process is the limbic system, which is responsible for our emotional responses and attachments. During grief, this system remains active and unconsciously expects the return of the deceased.
Memories of the loved one are regularly triggered and brought into the present moment. However, reality—the fact that this person is no longer there—clashes with these memories.
This conflict between memory and reality creates a sense of “unrealness,” something that feels difficult to fully grasp. Rationally, we know the loss is real, but the limbic system, which operates based on emotional bonds, struggles to accept it immediately. This discrepancy intensifies the emotional highs and lows that are so common in grief.
The duration of the grieving process: a lifetime?
The duration of grief is highly individual and cannot simply be measured by a fixed timeframe. The grieving process can last for years, decades, or even a lifetime. Again and again, old neural connections will reach a dead end because the person they were so closely linked to is no longer there. At the same time, new experiences and connections are necessary to gradually accept reality.
Studies have shown that avoidance behaviors—such as trying to suppress painful thoughts or memories—can prolong the grieving process. The brain needs new experiences to process loss. Consciously facing painful situations, such as visiting a meaningful place or sharing memories with others, can help create new neural pathways. It is a slow process, made up of many small steps.
In this sense, grief is not a linear process. Its intensity fluctuates, bringing moments of pain and relief, phases of looking forward and looking back. The brain can only navigate these waves of grief in a healthy way if it is allowed to heal at its own pace. There is no "right" way or "right" timeline for mourning.
Psychological approaches: Letting go vs. ongoing attachments
In the past, the concept of "letting go" was widely promoted—the idea that one must detach from the deceased in order to overcome grief. However, today, the *Continuing Bonds* model is becoming increasingly recognized. This approach suggests that the relationship with a lost loved one can continue—on a symbolic level.
Maintaining this ongoing bond can have a positive effect on the brain by preserving a sense of connection without leading to constant, painful confrontation with the loss.
Memorial items such as jewelry, photos, or personal belongings are a wonderful example of this continued connection. They activate the brain’s reward system and promote emotional stability.
Wearing a piece of jewelry linked to a loved one can evoke comforting, positive emotions and give the bereaved a sense of continued connection with the deceased—even though they are no longer physically present.
Individual grief processing: trust yourself and find your way back to yourself
So, what happens in the brain when we grieve? A profound restructuring takes place, both on a neural and emotional level. Grief is not a linear process but a complex, deeply personal experience. It challenges and transforms our brain in many ways.
Grief is an intensely individual journey. Everyone mourns in their own way, and there is no “right” or “wrong” way to cope with loss. The key is to trust oneself and allow emotions to flow—even when they are painful.
Many people find comfort in creating symbols of connection—memorial items, rituals, or moments of silence—that help stabilize the brain and gently guide the grieving process.
Yes, grief is difficult. But it is also an invitation to honor the deep bonds we form in life. It teaches us how to navigate loss and grow as individuals.
And in this journey—where we may initially feel powerless and broken—we eventually rediscover ourselves, our strength, and a renewed sense of trust in both ourselves and the world around us.
